You Don't Know What's Under The Hood
Smaller Doses of Life, Leadership and Anchor Points by Jerry Rosenthal
Smaller Dose #15: It’s good that you came back for more.
Reading time: ~5 minutes
Length: ~950 words
Next week would have been my parent’s 57th wedding anniversary. Often, mom isn’t sure what day it is. When I speak with her on that day, I’ll tell her the date and ask if she remembers what is special about it. She’ll recall and perhaps think of my dad for a few moments before getting on with her day. Mom is safe and happy, yet I will never know what’s under the hood. In the case of my mom, dementia has taken its toll.
We look at people. We listen to what they say. We see smiles. And within a few moments we think we know and understand them. We make judgements based on our perceptions of who we think someone is. We put labels on people (those we know and don’t know) to categorize them into nice, neat buckets. It’s what we do as humans. These are mental shortcuts and a topic for another time.
So here we go…..
Let me tell you about my friend John.
I’ve known him for a couple of years. He moved into the neighborhood, and we met at an outdoor gathering during Covid. Outgoing personality. Funny. Someone who you talk to and get lost in conversation as there are so many topics in which he has an interest. Mostly though, he asks questions and listens to what is shared. John is a “giver” of his time and energy.
Not long ago I went to John’s home for a drink (Louis Martini Napa Cabernet is his favorite and was my gift to him on that day) and some great conversation. He wanted to hear about my trip to Buffalo for Thanksgiving to see my mom. And I wanted to support him as after 40 years with the same company, his position was “made redundant” and eliminated.
As usual, John was in good spirits. The initial shock had worn off, he had a great plan and was moving forward. Step 1 was meeting with his financial advisor. Step 2 was heading on a Caribbean vacation with friends. He was going to continue to enjoy life no matter what.
As we drank and shared about my trip and his plans, John started to open up more. We started to discuss one of my favorite topics, Anchor Points. And he shared a few with me beyond what had happened recently with his former employer. Here is what he told me:
Since 2019, the following had occurred:
· He had a heart attack
· He got divorced
· His 30-year-old son passed away unexpectedly
I knew about the first two. Not the third one. You would never know any of these things without really getting to know John. And as we were talking, he said:
“You don’t know what’s under the hood.”
I made a mental note of his words and told him that there would be an article about this theme someday. And here we are.
We all have our journeys and life experiences. Some of us look at these as lessons and learn from them. Some of us hold onto a victim mentality. Some of us get bitter and angry at the world (I’ve been guilty of this more times than I wish to admit.) Some of us keep smiling and look forward to the next challenge or experience that life has to offer. Some of us share (overshare – especially on social media.) And some of us keep things inside. Some of us will only share things with those closest to us who will understand and support us. We let them into the deep dark corners of our mind and soul.
At times, it’s this sharing that brings us closer as friends or life partners. It’s risky. It makes us vulnerable to being judged. And hopefully, it’s worth it. I certainly think so. At least most of the time.
I’m not sure if my conversation with John was an Anchor Point. It was indeed a lesson and a good reminder. Each of us are not aware what’s going on or what transpired to create the person in front of you at that moment. What they are today may be different than who they were a week, month, year or longer ago.
Be present. Be mindful. Be kind. It doesn’t cost a thing. And it’s a gift that you may never be aware of that you are providing to someone. Simply be there and listen.
And try to remember, you don’t know what’s under the hood.
Cheers.
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Jerry is the author of “Small Doses: Common Sense to Common Practice,” a book which contains 18 thought pieces about the intersection of Process Improvement, Leadership and Life. Jerry also authors short stories about life experiences (Anchor Points) and the profound lessons that can be learned from before and after those moments.
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If you’re still reading and wondering about my tagline, “It’s good that you came back for more,” read Smaller Dose #1 for the origin of that phrase.
A lovely essay, Jerry, and very stimulating.